ASIAN GREEN BEANS/The Seitanic Spellbook

Withstand the Fall of Asian Green Beans

Once again, the familiar tale of Asian cooking always and forever, three pots will be needed in this unholy communion: one for the sauce, one for the noodles, and one pot to rule them all! It goes without saying that one should start heating your pot of water for the noodles in the beginning.



Vegetable broth

Fresh green beans (or pole beans)

Rice noodles

Soy sauce



Mushrooms (any type)


Hoisin sauce

Cooking oil (anything but olive oil)

Cashews, mixed nut blend, or peanuts

Optional: Bell peppers, sesame oil, any other premade stir fry sauce


1. Begin this journey with some vegetable broth, or a vegetable broth soup cube in some water.

2. While upon a high heathellfire, add some soy suace, a bit of sugar, grate in a few cloves of garlic, a squirt or two of hoisin sauce, and optionally add a small amount of sesame oil, other stir-fry sauce or vegan oyster sauce. Heat this up to a boil, then reduce the heat to a steady medium slow bubble.

3. Sauté the green beans first. If you use canned green beans, I will appear before you only to kick you in the taint. Canned green beans taste as if there was a large man at the cannery who puts each of the green beans in his mouth and sucks out the flavor before spitting them into the can. Use fresh green beans and sauté them in the oil for a few minutes.

4. While the green beans are not yet fully cooked, add the onions and mushrooms and proceed to stir like a whirling dervish in ecstasy. Stir in and sauté the whole of this creation. The point of this is not to sauté everything to death, but merely cook these reagents such that they are no longer raw. They should be crisp and not a shriveled mess upon completion.

5. When the sacred balance of crispiness and cooked-ness has reached its teetering balance, add in your sauce and cook for one more minute. Remove from the hellfires and dole some of the green bean and sauce mixture out upon your boiled and drained rice noodles.

Finish this incantation with the liberal application of either cashews, mixed nuts, or peanuts. This step is not optional. It is the majestic blend of the green bean awesomeness and the nuts that create a flavor explosion not usually allowed among mortal men.


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